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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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Then, I hit up the local café on Kitchener Rd. I order a flat white, thinking it’ll make me feel better. But the barista? She’s super slow. I’m standing there, tapping my foot, thinking, “Is this coffee brewed with magic beans or what?” Finally, I get my drink, and it’s like heaven in a cup. I’m feeling good again.

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